Crimson Wake
Crimson Wake
why is this bad? 10 points?
i didn't think it was at first but im usually wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Count your words carefully,
flowing out of your mouth,
vying to fill the cup, half empty,
instead, left it teeming with stupidity,
dismayed that you hold my tongue,
to your standards.
Brandishing blades left drenched,
indifference seeping through,
allies left trembling in your wake,
allowing crimson tones to provide,
tongue shaped stab wounds,
you will regret.
Painting pristine chapels of ignorance,
art pushed past teeth only to be,
destroyed by idle lips, inspired,
drawing lines in a desolate mind,
color rising, cheek cut of stone,
beauty sucked dry.
It has some promising imagery, and certainly is driven by passion, but the meter is hard to follow overall. The words don't quite "blend" as one reads them; I had to read a few lines a couple times to get the ultimate meaning. This was perpetuated by the lack of subject/verb agreement in a couple of spots, as well as a few misplaced commas. However, I think these issues could be fixed without sacrificing the imagery to give you a nice finished product. "Bad" is only a temporary state of affairs. That's why we have editors... 
Chris Peters, M.S.
Chief Editor, Cottontail Publishing
http://cottontailpublishing.webs.com
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In The Wake Of Poseidon
